I seem to have left my pride at pride
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Randomize
