mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Randomize
