Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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