life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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