If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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