im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
