remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
