Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
