Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
