a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
