one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
