I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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