mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
