Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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