I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
