I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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