And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
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