there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
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