I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
