highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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