I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
