I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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