On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
My Higher Power is John Stamos
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
