and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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