im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
