I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
