Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
