there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
