I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
