I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
