I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
