im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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