he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
