dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
