If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
