I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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