Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
