He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Drunk is a universal language darling
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
