I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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