Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
