I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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