Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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