I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
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