literally had 100 drinks last night.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
