I think im going to throw up on grandma
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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