Moan for me like Helen Keller
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
