My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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