We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
