How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
