I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Randomize
