Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
