i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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