we made out on top of his cat.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
