I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
3pm strippers are depressing
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
