How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
