look no pants
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
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