Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
